|Sure To Happen Before Christmas
12/23/2014 3:54:14 PM
By Jim French
You’ll hear “White Christmas” sung by every recording group trying to make a buck.
The lovers of “Tickle Me, Elmo” will have little sympathy for the neighborhood dog.
The sister who deserted you for another will try and make up because she knows you enjoy buying nice gifts.
The brother who has a list of names for gift-giving, will have his credit application denied.
Your wife will remind you of the plastic tree in the attic when you come through the door with a fresh Christmas tree.
Brothers who could use a drink will be offered a lot of free food.
Family members who tell you not to get them a gift will turn hostile if you don’t.
Brothers who never attend church services all year will be touched by the singing of Christmas carols.
The man who insists Christmas buying is silly will have a wonderful time going broke buying presents for nieces and nephews.
A lot of Santa’s will be embarrassed when some kids will call him a phony.
Most hospital workers are maneuvering to get Christmas day off.
People who have never been in one before will sneak into pawn shops as if being broke was a crime.
Some teens will expect a car for Christmas and get upset when a gift-wrapped bike is in the garage for him.
Some family will have a bleak holiday because the husband lost the money in a crap game and the wife walked out.
Fat old derelicts with unkept beards will be staked by drunks and addressed as “Santa Claus.”
There will be an argument between newly-weds because both sets of parents invited them over for dinner.
A rejected suitor will buy his ex-girlfriend a gift to spite her new boyfriend.
Spinsters and lonely sisters will surrender their sadness and get involved with some dude they detest.
You’ll get an ex-rated Christmas card and you’ll never speak to the sender again.
A guy will get his face slapped at the office party for practicing what you’re supposed to do under the mistletoe.
One day before Christmas a drunk will argue with a taxi driver who can’t fit the tree inside the hack.
If a brother’s above 50, he will get at least one pair of slippers he will never wear.
The loneliest guys you’ll see Christmas week will be service people who couldn’t get home for the holidays.
An elderly gent will introduce the sister with him as his niece. She won’t call him uncle.
At the first bar stop, a customer will be refused because he is already drunk.
At least one couple will quarrel because the husband buys his lady friend an expensive gift.
There will be a series of purse snatchings.
People will get upset when the gift-wrapped oranges have rotted.
At least one night club will wonder where the people are.
Just before they leave to visit their parents, the mother will call to say they will be at your house within an hour.
A young brother will be fired for kissing the wife of his supervisor.
People will get upset stomachs and blame it on their mother-in-law.
A brother will check out of a hotel when management tells him he must wear some clothes at the inside pool.
There will be a raid at a Christmas Eve party and the cops will discover a bowl of marijuana on the dining room table.
A brother will be arrested for missing child support payments and his date declare: “I didn’t know he was married!”
During a cold spell you’ll hear a lot of people saying “This kind of weather only happens to me.”
A wife will be heard to say to her husband at a party, “I told you we should have gotten a divorce.”
The people who are receiving welfare will brag about how much money they spent on gifts.
-HOW TO BE A HERMIT AT CHRISTMAS-
Kid a brother about his wife’s sneaky running around.
Advise your boyfriend to use more deodorant.
Do jokes about the fat lady eating a turkey leg.
Knock the pastor to a faithful church member.
Make it a habit to tease bartenders by loudly accusing them of stealing your change off the bar.
Tell your girlfriend that you still love your wife.
Ask a radio personality if he understands the English language.
Kid a short guy who dates a tall girl about his height.
Give the parents the truth when you tell them that their child is not house broken.
Ask guys who whip women why they run from men in a confrontation.
Hint to your wife that she’s too old to act like a teenager.
Make fun of people with high blood pressure who eat raw meat and load it with salt.
Invite guests over for Christmas dinner and then suggest they help with the cooking.
Play nothing but jazz at your house party.
Tell the husband that you expect the same expensive gift he got for the girlfriend.
Insist that a panhandler get a job.
Tell the sister she need not keep on her mink coat inside the house.
No matter how cold it is, a brother will come to a party wearing a tank top to show his biceps.
Suggest to a nonbeliever that he should attend church or Midnight Mass to cleanse his soul.
Tell your invited guests that you forgot that you don’t eat spaghetti for Christmas dinner. Mercy.