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Odds-On to Happen Over the July 4th Holiday Weekend
Published:
7/2/2014 10:27:26 PM

By Jim French


A well-muscled brother will parade along the beach holding his crotch and a sister will ask: “What you be holding that for? Ain’t nothing there!”

People coming home for family reunions will wonder why little has changed for Blacks who never left.

Elderly men fishing from the pier at Brittlebank Park will tell strangers about their conquests of nameless women.

You will wonder why political candidates will grab for hands on the beach wearing a suit and tie.

A cop will have your car towed on the Isle of Palms and then say: “Just because you're over here doesn’t mean you can do what you do in Charleston!”

Your wife will go shopping when your buddies drop in for a cold one.

Moms will keep their children out of the ocean because she thinks there’s too much chlorine in the water.

The little sister will protest about going to the ball game but won’t be bored when she attracts admirers with her skimpy short-shorts.

A wife claiming urgent business caused her to leave the hotel the same day she checked in with her hubby but no one will believe her.

It will occur to the husband, after you’ve been driving for an hour, that you didn’t turn off the television or lock the front door.

Someone will bring their CD player to the beach and then remember the CDs were left at home.

A father will walk along the beach holding the daughter’s hand and someone will say, “That old fool”

Hospital workers will wonder why everyone is having such a grand time.

The guy with the smallest income will be the biggest loser betting on a baseball game.

If you stayed home, you’ll find your favorite eatery is closed after you parked your car.
consider yourself lucky if your car don’t overheat before you reach your destination.

The kids will get upset when the box of gifts you promised will be left on the train.

No matter how hot it gets, there will be one guy who always say a breeze is blowing his way.

No matter how beautiful the scenery, no matter how nice the day is, at least one brother will sleep through it all.

A fight will break out in a club when a drunk thinks the guy sitting next to him patted him on the rear.

A church sister you considered conservative will shock friends by wearing an outfit that would get the average person arrested for indecent exposure.

Nothing will dampen your spirits more than seeing your former lover looking good and being courted by some young chasers.

You’re out of it if you lounge among bathing beauties at the beach fully-dressed and listening to the radio.

You won’t realize your bathing suit is split down the middle until you take it out of the bag at the beach.

At a house party you will wonder why certain guests are inside eating slab ribs while you are being served crushed bar-b-que by the hosts.

The lonely stretch of beach you found last week will be crowded and you will have trouble finding room to sit.

Campers will not realize they forgot the can opener until they have pitched the tent in the woods and are ready to eat.

A couple will get busted by the cops for smoking reefers in their car.

A sister will purposely let down the shoulder straps on her bathing suit and pretend to get angry when you don’t get excited.

At least one brother will douse himself with cheap cologne and wonder why the sisters avoid him.

Out-of-town guests who intend to surprise you, will be distressed when neighbors say they left for the weekend to surprise them!

The skimpiest bathing suit will be worn by a fat woman.

The mother will think it’s cute when her brat flings a handful of wet sand at you.

A sister will complain that a brother was peeping while she got undressed in the backseat of the Volkswagen.

A coolness will develop between a guy and his girl because a stranger lolling nearby on the beach asks her for a match.

A furious wife will be heard to say, “I told you we should have stayed home.”

Expressions of horror will be heard because a small child disrobes in front of everyone.

A dumpy dame will describe as disgraceful, the tiny bathing suit on a sister with a beautiful figure.

A fully dressed old woman will take off her shoes and stockings and, holding up her skirt, go wading.

A dude who hates the sun will sit in his street clothes while his dearly beloved sun bathes.

People will show up with elaborate water equipment and never use it.

At least one brother will stand up for hours so everyone can admire his muscles.

An elderly man will introduce the young lady on the beach with him as his niece. She won’t call him uncle.

There will be at least one fist fight because a husband objects to the way a dude admires his wife’s figure.

The meek looking brother will turn out to be the best swimmer on the beach.

A spinster will treasure the sight of young men as the happiest time of her bleak life.

The palest people will be those who live at the beach year round.

The fattest of sisters will wear a too-tight bathing suit to make certain no one misses her deep Suntan.

A couple who saved up for the 4th celebration at the beach will have to return home the next day because the old man blew his bucks on a hooker.

A player will slug a guy on the beach when his squeeze admires another guy too much.

The mother-in-law who comes along to ride herd on the kids will remain in the car to pamper a hangover.

You will be trapped on Sullivan’s Island and won’t discover you’re not wanted there until you get there.

If you break out your new outfit, chances are you'll be the only one not in a bathing suit.

Returning to your dark home you’ll remember that the day you left was the deadline for paying your electric bill.

You’ll wonder why you celebrated the weekend at all.

Mercy.
 

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